Title: He Doesn't See Me

Author: Karen Straits

Category/Rating: G Angst Songfic

Season: 1-4

Summary: Some dark thoughts for Janet concerning our favorite archeologist.

Feedback: Yes,please! I would love some. All i ask is that it is constructive or positive.

Disclaimer: I don't own em and with the way this story went, that's probably a good thing. No money was made, or intended to be made off of this story and song. If ya sue, i and my 4 cats move in with you, so think about that, please. Stargate sg-1 belongs to gekko, double secret and whoever else is in on the deal.(and that ain't me) This was done strictly for fun. I have been in a pretty dark mood this past week so i thought i would channel some of it through Janet. It doesn't help that I have been listening to sad songs all week^-^ This song is from the CD: La Luna and the talented Miss Sarah Brightman.

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He Doesn't See Me

By Karen Straits

Janet let the front door close behind her with a soft snick. Wearily she leaned back against the door, hands behind her back, eyes closed and her head down. The hallway was cool and silent, darkness pooling in the corners as evening came. Rain softly drummed against the windows, turning everything a misty grey. She let the silence surround her like a cloak that would somehow protect her from her own thoughts. With a rueful smile at the route her thoughts were taking, she moved further into the house.

Hanging her coat up, she padded through the dark like a cat. No lamps were turned on as she went, it was almost as if she didn't want the comfort the light would give. God, it must be the rain that was making her think these things.

Tired and slightly chilled, Janet walked into her bedroom. She toed off the wet shoes with the ridiculously high heels. A small groan of pleasure escaped as she scrunched her toes in the carpet. She was a doctor who saved lives and had been to other planets for God's sake. The fact that she had to wear such barbaric things to make her seem bigger didn't seem fair or right at all. She scowled at the shoes as she turned on a small lamp on the bedstand.

Leaving a trail, she shed her day along with her clothes. She turned the shower on as hot as she could stand it, letting the mundane task keep her mind occupied. Steam filled the bathroom as she finished stripping. Quickly stepping into the stall, Janet gasped at the pins and needles pounding her flesh. She put her hands up and leaned against the tiles. Shoulders unclenched as the water worked it's magic.

The melancholy had been hammering at her all day. Mechanically she lathered and rinsed. After being buffeted by the ebb and tide of her emotions all day, the numbness was wearing off. Her hard won control was going right down the drain with freesia scented bubbles as it's guide. Just let it go, Janet. Obeying the voice was easier than she thought.

She startled herself with the sob that ripped from her throat. Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, she tried to stop, but the floodwall was gone.

Just let it go, Janet. She wrapped her arms around herself as she wept.

Janet tucked a towel around her body with pruned fingers. A hand reached up to wipe the fogged mirror clear. She studied the face that stared back at her. Dark eyes in a face flushed with the heat and crying. A face that started out smooth and unlined until one day you looked in the mirror and didn't recognize yourself anymore.

The weight of the years ahead fell about her shoulders like a yoke. Would she have no one to mirror the passage of time on her face? No one to see the silver in her hair or to touch the lines of life on her body? An image came unbidden to her mind. Janet knew who she wanted that mirror to be. If only...

On the floor with her back against the couch, Janet stared into the fire. Legs pulled close to her chest, arms curled around her knees, a brandy snifter set off to the side forgotten. Clothed in soft fleece and having eaten, she was starting to feel almost human again. She wished her thoughts were so easily taken care of. Rousing herself, Janet grabbed a CD from the rack and put it the player. There was a soft whir and click as the music started. The damn song had been running through her head all day. She may as well listen to it again.

Janet went back to the couch and stretched out. She lay on her side, clutching a pillow as the voice and the words washed over her. The flames crackled and threw strange patterns onto the ceiling. The song took her to a deep place inside herself. Someplace she seldom ventured to, where her secret dreams and wishes were kept. Nurtured as if they were the most precious flower and just as rarely seen. Thoughts and dreams of Daniel.

From the first time she had met him she saw the light that radiated from Daniel Jackson. He had an aura of intelligence and kindness that called to her on some deep level. Sometimes it flared so bright, she thought he would turn into starfire and flame across the heavens. Then he would smile at her and just be Daniel again.

He lost his queen. The fire in Daniel became a glowing ember, waiting to be fanned back to life.

Janet lifted the brandy to her lips. It burned going down and she welcomed the feeling.

Liquid heat ignited in the middle of her chest and warmth spread over her body like a sunrise over land. It was the same effect Daniel had on her. Everything was always sharper, clearer when Daniel was in the same room with her. The passion he had for his work extended to the people in his life. You couldn't help but be swept along with Daniel.

She quietly laughed as she took another drink. As often as Daniel was in the infirmary, grace wasn't the first word that came to mind. But he did have a grace that was all his own. The long, elegant fingers that deftly held an artifact or brushed over writings on a temple wall. He had the grace to live his life with compassion and to share that kindness with everyone he met. Janet remembered all the times Daniel had defended someone or some race, putting his life on the line. Pain shot through her hand as she gripped the glass too tightly. Her mood turned dark again. How many times had she been told he was dead.

Janet slowly set the glass down, wondering how she hadn't broken it yet. Actually she wanted to throw the god damn thing into the wall. She settled for the sound of it in her mind, instead.

Tears welled up and spilled over to slide past her temples into her hair. Daniel would never see the real Janet, the one who loved him so much. He would only see the caring doctor or good friend. God, she was tired. She wiped her eyes with a sleeve and burrowed deeper in the couch. She just needed some sleep, that was all. Tomorrow would be better. The love would be back in it's safe place and she would be Dr. Fraiser and not Janet. She yawned and pushed her hair back. The warmth and the brandy were working together as one big sedative. Maybe she would dream of Daniel, she thought sleepily. As she drifted off, the last lines of the song played.

The end